jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
