I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You left your phone here
Wait...
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