My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
