I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
