I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
