Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize