also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
