My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How does one acquire holy water?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.