Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
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siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
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You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.