All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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