dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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