They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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