my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
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Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
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Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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