Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
