I'm eating all of the evidence.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
