Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
