There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
