My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
