I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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