The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
operation harelip BJ is a go
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
