got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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