I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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