im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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