the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
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he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
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I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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