i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
