i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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