my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
