Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
