Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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