atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
