I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
