Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
