I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
