There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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