I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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