I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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