He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
