Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
