if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
