i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
