Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
