A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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