I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
