and next time when you feel me up, do it right
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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