Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
