I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
