i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
