Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
