Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
