it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
