I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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