he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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