I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.