The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
