Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
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You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND