Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
