My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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