i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
