i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
